Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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