i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.