I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.