We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
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Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
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I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.