do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize