Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
