that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Dating After Heartbreak
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.