dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
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How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
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I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.