I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?