the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
