A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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