I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
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We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
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Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.