Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
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i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
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I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.