the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Randomize
