If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later