if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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