Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
