i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
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Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
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Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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