its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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