I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
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He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
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I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN