It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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