meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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