I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
