I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
