He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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