Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
