Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?