i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important