Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"