I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
