i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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