you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
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I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
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She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl