Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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