Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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