One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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