When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
