if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
