This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
