I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
