Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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