I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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