The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize