I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
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totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
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This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.