the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.