If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
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Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.