Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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