My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
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I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
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Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER