So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.