The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
why do cheetos always look like penises
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
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He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
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I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek