come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
