i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
jump out the window naked night went bad
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize