My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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