I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
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Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
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If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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