My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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