While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
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my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
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She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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