First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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