I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
