we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
