remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize