My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
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He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
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Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.