Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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